Wondering

‘Why did it happen?’, I wonder. My life was not perfect but I was happy with it. I had what I wanted and I was striving hard for the things that I wanted to get. Everything wasn’t beautiful like snow or lush green leaves in summer, I admit. There were some hard times but at least it was better than this.

‘How did this happen?’, I wonder. I knew him since forever . How can I have feelings for him suddenly? Is it because he is going and I will never be able to see him again?

I knew….I knew since the day we became friends that he liked another girl. That girl was my friend. Then how come I can be so foolish to fall for him?

But, nevertheless, I fell and I fell hard. There is a pain in my chest….a pain that no medicine can cure it. The pain leaves in the daylight but sneaks back in, in the darkness. I try to stop it from creeping in but loneliness helps it to climb its way to my hurt. How can I, alone, fight against two such powerful feelings?

Nowadays, I feel like I am in a relationship with this pain. An eerie, uncanny relationship. It tries to get over me….try to spread all over my body and leisurely kill me in a very pitiful but confidential manner. And I try to fight with it.

We both try to suppress each other. Sometimes the pain wins and sometimes I win.

First, I tried to abandon my feelings for him. I lied to myself. I ran away from my feelings, rejecting it again and again. But at last it caught me and I had to accept it.

My suffering has no ending, not at least for now. Pain and I have a very deep and long journey to travel through and sometimes loneliness also accompany us.

But I wish I could get over this as fast as I could.

You can’t choose the person you fall for but you can choose to stay away from them. I guess I’m going to do the same.

This agony won’t detach from my heart but I hope that one day it will. Hopefully, pain  and I will part our ways one day and I’m waiting for that day to come, patiently.

I try to be strong…..try to go away as far as possible but I find myself at the same place again and again. Whenever, I hear my phone ringing, I just hope, somewhere deep inside my heart, that its him.

It’s like a drug that I am addicted to. No matter where I go….how much I run….I find myself in his thoughts again and again.

I just wish to leave this as soon as I can.

 

 

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